On conferencing while introverted

Hi, my name's Ryn, and I'm an introvert.

This means that, as much as I enjoy conferences such as Velocity and as much value as they have, I find them incredibly draining. This is draining beyond just what one would expect from travel and speaking and paneling and igniting, and the bigger and longer the conference is, the more emotionally exhausted I get from all the human interaction. If you ever played The Sims, you'll remember that each Sim had a social meter, and if the Sim went too long without seeing another Sim, it would get more and more red and they'd get really cranky and exhausted and probably catch on fire. I'm like that, except instead of people time, I get cranky without alone time. Now this isn't to say that I don't enjoy meeting new people at conferences, or seeing Twitter friends in person. But I have to do it in small doses.

If you're an introvert, you will probably be nodding along here and understand exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe you want to know how I managed to survive this latest trip of mine. Here's a few strategies I've developed over the years.

Conference Buddies

It's no secret that I really really like the people I work with, and I like having them as company at conferences as well. For me, the better I know someone, the less draining I find them, which is why I would much rather spend time with close friends than with strangers. (I've had several extrovert friends tell me that meeting new strangers and turning them into acquaintances or friends is a big source of enjoyment for them at conferences. For me, it makes me want to hide in a corner.) Conferencing with coworkers mean that I have a group of people that feels safe to me and that I can retreat back into for a few minutes' reprieve when meeting new people gets too overwhelming.

In addition to this, I've found that having an extroverted friend to conference with is an excellent strategy. The amazing Bridget Kromhout is much more social than I am, and willing to do things like run interference for me while I run to the snack table at the conference after-party to grab some much-needed cheese. It's important that your extrovert friend be understanding enough to realize that you don't get the same enjoyment from interacting with strangers as they do - find someone who is willing to shield you from conversations rather than dragging you into them.

Keep Yourself Fed

All this talk of cheese brings me to another point - don't forget to eat! At conferences, food often involves people, whether that be tables full of conference attendees at lunch or even just a hotel restaurant full of them at breakfast, and that can make it tempting to skip a meal or two to avoid that interaction. Don't! I know that if I skip a meal, the low blood sugar will make me even more cranky and unable to deal with people, making everything seem exponentially more overwhelming. In addition, you should consider packing some protein/energy bars that you can keep in your backpack or suitcase for caloric emergencies. Or stash some emergency cheese, that makes everything better.

Don't Feel Bad about Self-Care

Yes, a big part of why we go to conferences is to meet and network with other people in our industry, but that shouldn't be more important than taking care of yourself. If you've spoken at the conference, you'll likely have people coming up to you afterwards saying that they liked your talk or asking follow-up questions. Those little interactions can all add up to a lot of energy drainage. I've learned that I have to be willing to take care of myself, so often I'll find myself saying, "Sorry, I'm really tired right now and won't be able to give you a great answer because of that, here's my card and we can follow up when I've gotten back home and rested." If someone really values what you have to say, they'd much rather talk with you later when you have the energy to give them a well thought-out response, as opposed to being so drained that you can hardly put two sentences together.

If you find yourself shaking your head in confusion at this and wondering why someone would get tired just from talking to people, you're probably an extrovert! Which is fine, but what you need to understand is that the very same things at conferences that you find energizing are the things that are the most draining to introverts. Here's a few things you can do to make things easier for the introverts you might encounter.

Let them Choose to Engage

It can be tempting, when you see someone you know across the conference hall or hotel bar, to call them over to say hi and catch up for a bit, but they might not have the energy for that, especially at the end of a multi-day conference. Start with just a smile and a wave - if they have the energy, they can choose to come over to you and talk, but if they just return the wave and keep walking, it likely means they need to conserve their energy (or just that they have some place they actually need to get to). If you want to ask someone a question, ask them if now is a good time or if they'd rather follow up later - let them opt into an immediate conversation rather than having to awkwardly opt out. If you're asking a speaker about their talk, keep in mind that while this is just one interaction for you, they've likely had many people asking them similar things for a cumulative draining effect.

Don't Repeatedly Ask if They're Okay

The more emotionally drained I get, the quieter I get, and on top of that, the less energy I have to explain to people why I have no energy. Introverts often listen more than they talk in conversations, and the less energy they have, the more quiet they're likely to get. I tend to get much quieter towards the end of a conference, and extroverts tend to interpret this as a sign that I'm upset. I'm not! I'm just listening and conserving energy for if there's something I really do want to say. Asking if I'm okay or if I've done something to upset you is draining, because it's directing focus onto me and making me justify my quietness. If you're really really concerned, ask once, and if the person says they're ok, drop it! The more you ask if I'm okay, the less okay I get.

Don't Take it Personally

In addition to assuming that someone is quiet because they're upset, extroverts tend to take it personally when someone doesn't want to have a conversation with them, especially if it's someone they know. More than likely (I can't speak for every introvert in every situation, of course) it's not. It's not that I don't have the desire to talk with you, it's that I don't have the energy to talk with anyone because I'm freaking exhausted. I have to save my emotional energy. If all you want is to say hi, especially if we've said hi or talked several time before at the same conference, that's taking away energy that I might need to talk with someone I've never met before who has a new thing they want to ask me. It's nothing personal at all, it's just that energy for interpersonal stuff is a limited resource, and at the end of a three-day conference, I'm running on emotional fumes. If someone leaves a conversation before you would rather it be over, or disappears for a few hours, they likely just need to recharge a little bit.

I know some conferences are doing things like letting attendees choose different color lanyards for their badges based on whether or not they're okay with being photographed. Maybe people could have some visual way of differentiating whether or not they've got the energy to socialize at the moment. Happy cat emoji sticker? Come say hi! Crying cat emoji sticker instead? Just let me continue walking to the next talk, please. Or maybe I'll make a business card with a link to this post that I can give to people in lieu of having to use mouth-words to explain why I don't have the energy to talk right then.

tl;dr: Conferences are great, people are great, but I'm an introvert and these things are mentally and emotionally draining in addition to being fun and beneficial, so don't take it personally if later in a conference I need to stay quiet and occasionally disappear. :)