On saying no
I love Cate Huston's recent post on saying no. Saying no is something that I've thought about quite a bit over the past few years, because those years have been full of a lot of me saying yes to things, and some of those things were things that in hindsight I wish I'd said no to.
It's hard to look back (from a position of feeling pretty great about where I am right now) and talk about things I wish I would have done differently. If I had said no to more things, would I even be where I am right now? (Why can I not A/B test my life?) I can't pinpoint anything negative that's happened as a direct result of me saying yes to things, but I do feel like I've been flirting an increasing amount with burnout the more I try to take on. Cate insightfully says:
But I have this radical idea that by saying no and by encouraging other women to say no I am in fact doing more than ever. That we are reclaiming our rightful space and autonomy rather than putting in a second shift of stuff that “feels good” but is at best pointless and at worst harmful, and definitely offers little to nothing in the way of actual progress.
Saying no to things feels like a privilege. Not feeling like I have to say yes to literally every single thing ever because of the exposure is a privilege. Knowing women who are willing and able to tell me to say no to things, who notice that I am burning myself out, who pay attention to my own well-being as well as their own, is a privilege. But more than that, saying no to things is about self-care: exercising my autonomy and recognizing my own value.
For so many years when I was building my career I felt like I had to say yes to everything because I couldn't risk passing up a chance for "exposure". I felt, as many minorities in tech do, like I had to be twice as good as everyone around me to even get close to the same amount of recognition. It's only now that I've gotten a fair amount of recognition that I feel like I can even consider relaxing and saying no to things, but I know that not everyone has this luxury. I wish more people did.
Growing up in a very conflict-averse household, I wasn't always very good at saying no, because I didn't want to make a fuss/hurt anyone's feelings/inconvenience anyone in any way/whatever, but eventually I realized that I couldn't put myself last all the time. That isn't sustainable. Some of the things I've found helpful for saying no include:
Remember that (unless you've signed some contract saying you do) you don't owe anyone anything. This is especially true for complete strangers who have contacted you out of the blue. If people are polite, they are asking you for something, not demanding it. If they are rude enough to actually demand something from you instead of asking, you shouldn't feel bad about being "rude" by turning them down.
Remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation for saying no to something. Your schedule doesn't have to be literally completely full 24/7 for you to feel too busy to do something. Also, not wanting to do something is perfectly valid. Just like you don't have to do every single hobby or like every single kind of music, it's okay to choose that you want to spend your time and energy on some things more than others, and you don't have to justify that to anyone.
You can try to compromise. If someone asks you to meet them in person to talk about X but you'd rather have a phone call/hangout/email conversation, you can suggest that as an alternative. Someone who respects you and values what you have to say will be open to this. I give out business cards at conferences because conferences make me all introverty and I can give better answers when I can take the time to reply to an email.
Your time and expertise are valuable. Don't feel obligated to spend hours and hours of time helping someone for free. If you want to, that's totally fine, but especially for big organizations that have budgets to hire consultants and trainers, you can absolutely ask to get paid for what you are providing - your time, knowledge, and expertise. I've been approaching this similarly to approaching getting paid to speak at conferences - it's amazing how many big organizations who would loooove to have you pay for your own flights and hotels to come help them solve their problems for them will suddenly disappear as soon as they might have to pay even a single dollar for that.
Saying no to more things allows me to do better at the things I choose to say yes to. Remember that you couldn't realistically say yes to every single opportunity that comes along even if you did want to do them all, but you can say no to thankless emotional labor. In an industry that isn't necessarily going to treat you well or value your contributions, being able to treat yourself well, recognize your own value, and take care of your own physical, mental, and emotional health becomes even more critical.